The first rule of Self-care Fight Club

I’m in an abusive relationship with myself. I’m not a good person to me. I’ve known it for a long time, but it’s gotten to the point now where I want to, and need to, do something about it. If I could take a restraining order out against myself, I would.

 One of my favorite movies is Fight Club. That’s not too much of a shock considering there are two sides to me. One side of me is stronger than the other. There’s a side of me that believes I deserve nice things. Then there’s the side of me that completely disagrees that I should know happiness.

 I don’t have a split personality or anything where I’m an entirely different person. It’s nothing like that. It’s just that when I want to do something nice for myself, it’s best if what I do brings only temporary joy. If I want to do something that will be long lasting, in order for it to remain in my life, it has to serve a purpose other than bringing joy. Let’s say I want to get a chair for my place. I have to tell myself it has multiple purposes and it’s not just some decoration. I’ve learned it’s not wise for me to do something that will linger or remind me that I did something nice for myself. The part of me that doesn’t believe that I deserve nice things or that I’m worth self-care will punish me.

 This is a tormenting struggle for me. I won’t allow myself to pamper myself. I want to pamper myself. I see people doing it all the time. I like how it looks, and I want to experience whatever pleasure it brings. Well, not all of the things. Some things people do as a form of self-care, I just don’t agree with. I had a friend who once needed to satisfy his sexual appetite. His girlfriend was out of town, but it wouldn’t have made a difference if she were in town. He wanted to satisfy his appetite with someone new, but because this person was insecure and could only flaunt his success to gain a woman’s attention, he decided to borrow my last sixty dollars to pay a prostitute to give him a blowjob. It took me two days to get those sixty dollars back from him. That truly pissed me off because he had the money. I was inconvenienced for two days because I was affiliated with someone who felt that paying for sex is just as satisfying as someone offering it to you because they think you’re worthy of it. I knew, and still know, some truly fucked up people.

 My problem is probably worse than the guy who buys sex. I don’t even know how to be nice to myself. At least these people who do these questionable things are making themselves happy. I’ve told myself because of the things I’ve done in life that I don’t deserve any type of joy, so I don’t allow myself to feel good. I especially don’t do anything to make myself feel good. I can’t control what somebody else wants to do for me. I know I come off as ungrateful at times. That’s only because I have difficulty showing how much I appreciate somebody for doing something for me, when I don’t believe I deserve it. I’m in therapy to work on this. It’s going to take a while to unravel these tangled Christmas lights of self-taught hatred.  

For some reason, I will tell myself that this person who sees good in me and wants to be nice must be out to do me harm or they want something from me instead. I tell myself that this has to be the only reason they're being nice to me. Then I get in my head about what the person could want from me, because I don’t feel I have shit to offer most of the time. I only feel I don’t have shit to offer due to being told so many times that I’m not worth anything because of my financial status. It’s my history. 

 It’s tricky for me to determine what’s what. I can’t decide if something I enjoy doing as a hobby is self-care or not, because my hobbies are mostly things I want to become good at, with the hope of making something of myself in the process. I also question if I’m really practicing self-care or if I’m doing work when I light a candle, make some tea, and force myself to sit down and read a book. I only have doubt because when I read, I’m not trying to read for enjoyment. I’m reading so I can get ideas or learn how to be better at something that will turn me into a success, so I can feel somewhat vindicated for the mistakes I have made in life.

 It’s not like I’ve never done anything for myself. From time to time I’ll treat myself, but soon after I will punish myself with negative comments and/or thoughts for believing I’ve earned the right to be good to myself. It’s such an abusive relationship. If resentment of one’s self was the equivalent to tartar buildup on teeth, then the inside of my mouth would look like I ate a brick of butter filled with cheese. And I haven’t been to the dentist since I was six years old because I wasn’t aware of how important oral hygiene was, nor did I believe I was worthy of it. 

 I’m slowly opening myself up to the idea of going to the dentist without feeling like shit for wanting to have healthy teeth. So basically, I’m going to therapy so I can learn how to love myself without feeling guilty for it. It hasn’t been easy but I’m trying.

 I remember when I booked my first acting job as a lead on a network show. I allowed myself to celebrate, but I set a cap as to how happy I could be and how much I would spend. For booking a lead on a network sitcom, I granted myself permission to purchase some pants from Banana Republic. But even then, I didn’t buy the jeans I really wanted because they weren’t on sale. I bought some jeans that were on sale instead. I also made sure that I could return the pants if they didn’t fit. I knew they were going to fit, but wanted to make sure I could return them if I later decided that I didn’t deserve them. I thought, if getting new pants felt like too much self-love, then I have a problem.

 What’s even more frustrating about dealing with this self-care/self-love issue is when people who care for you see you differently than you see yourself. I don’t know how many times I’ve pushed people away because I thought they were crazy or weird, or I didn’t feel like I could trust them because they saw something in me that I couldn't see. 

 It’s even worse when someone wants me to love them the way they want to love me, and I don’t even have the ability to love myself. Sometimes I’m able to tell the person that’s interested in me that I don’t have the ability to love them because I don’t love myself enough, and there are times when I don’t know how to say it. Those relationships always end poorly.

I’m not completely hopeless. I have my moments when I feel good and feel that I am able to love myself, as well as love somebody else. However, those days are few and far between. I wish I knew how to tell people to just appreciate me, even if I don’t currently have the strength to appreciate myself. 

 I’m building up the courage to file a restraining order against myself so that I can self-love in peace. I’m sure they’re going to look at me as though I’m crazy when I walk into the police station and say, “I would like to take a restraining order out on myself.” Most likely they’ll throw me in a room with white walls, and I’ll have a roommate who’s being held because he knows yesterday happened, but he’s having trouble proving it. Once they release me, I’ll start on my journey to loving myself. I’m not sure the restraining order approach is a good idea, but I have to try something. I’m going to need some help. I can’t do it alone. What’s crazy is, as I write this, I’m getting mad at myself for sharing this. Somebody please get me away from me. 

 I recently did something for myself that was very low maintenance, but for some reason it made me feel better. Someone suggested that I put a candle in the shower with me and turn the lights off. Now, this sounded crazy at first, but then the personality that wants to be nice to me said to give this idea a chance. I don’t ever think I’ve taken a shower with the idea of enjoying the experience. I’ve always viewed it as a necessary labor. I told myself for years that taking a bath is something meant for a woman to enjoy. I’m working on me. I’m going to blame toxic male masculinity. I’ve been going about it all wrong. I can enjoy a shower or a bath. I’m going to start figuring out how to make everything I do a joyful experience. I started with that candle in the shower. A week ago, I lit some candles, opened my Spotify app and turned on the Butter playlist, turned off all the lights, and took a relaxing shower. I can’t even remember if I washed myself or not. I just know I enjoyed the shower. And no, I didn’t touch myself. So now I take showers with candles. I hope I can convince my negative side to enjoy this. I may have to lie to myself in the beginning by saying I’m using candles to save electricity. Hopefully, I’ll come around to accepting that it’s okay to be nice to me.

-EAT

 I write as a form of healing for myself and others. If you enjoyed what you read, “tip the writer” by donating to Venmo or zelle @maronziovance or Cashapp $Gift2MaronzioVance