ENOUGH PILLS

Before the coronavirus pandemic, I probably took three or four pills a day. Nothing serious. I would take a vitamin C pill, a zinc tablet, and something to keep the blood flow from being obstructed. I don’t eat like an unhealthy man who chugs beer and eats finger-licking barbecue every day, to where I have to worry about clogged arteries. However, with the way the world is going, I can easily see somebody saying that anything you have done in your life is the cause of everything that’s wrong with you. So I play it safe. I know blood flow is the cause of men having erectile dysfunction, and I don’t want those types of problems. Granted, I hate my dick because it is the source of a lot of problems in my life, but I still would like to be able to enjoy using it way into my eighties, even though I don’t see myself with anyone that late in my life. But in case I happen to find someone to put up with a shit storm of a person like myself, I want to be ready. The other supplements are meant to assist me where I was lacking due to unhealthy eating and not taking time to listen to my body when it’s asking for something. You know, everyday life. 

 I didn’t take pleasure in it or look forward to it. I never liked taking pills, and I find that as I’m getting older, I’m taking more pills than I have ever taken in my life. I don’t have a problem getting them to go down or anything like that. I just hate the feeling of being on a medication meal plan designed by someone that’s too lazy or greedy to figure out how to heal me without turning me into a fucking drug addict. 

Now I am taking an elderberry pill, something for my GERD, some shit for the inflammation in my Achilles (I strained them years ago, and they never healed properly), B12 for energy, a few sleeping pills because I can’t go without them honestly, olive leaf extract for respiratory wellness, and edibles for anxiety and depression, as well as for sleep. 

I jam all of that down my gullet every day, and I still don’t feel any better. I don’t believe it’s my health, but more about how I feel about myself. I wish they made a pill to make you feel as though you are enough, because I’m exhausted from pretending to feel like I’m enough for everyone. No part of me feels like I can relax and let down my hair in any relationship I’m in, with any person, not just romantically. I’m constantly feeling like I have to keep proving myself to others. I haven’t figured out if that comes from something in my childhood or something I put on myself.

I keep having this recurring nightmare that won’t leave me alone. The dream starts off with me being in charge of filling up glasses of water to pass out to thirsty people waiting in line, but the glasses I’m pouring water into will not fill up. I don’t recognize the problem until I hand a glass of water to someone and they bring to my attention that there’s nothing in it. I apologize and ask the person to return the glass to me so I can fill it up for them. I try to fill it up again, but I can’t do it. That’s what it feels like when you don’t think you’re enough. 

 Now, I have my days when I feel good about myself, but those days are few and far between. I’m definitely in the wrong profession to struggle with not feeling adequate. You are never good enough in the entertainment industry. When I started comedy, I wanted to headline clubs. That’s all I really wanted. I just wanted to be famous enough to pack comedy clubs with people. I had no interest in doing theaters or stadiums or huge venues. Trying to fill a room with as many people as you can is an ego thing, in my opinion. When there are too many people, it takes away the intimacy of the event. 

 I was told that if I wanted to headline a comedy club, all that I needed to do was get on television, so I did. By the time I got on television, they told me I needed something else on my resume in order to be able to headline comedy clubs. Then I did that. Then they kept adding shit. It was never enough. They just kept going and going. 

It’s frustrating when you aren’t able articulate to people that you are giving them everything you have. It’s even more frustrating when you give all you have, and you’re expected to give that amount every day. You can’t give 100% every day. I knew I couldn’t, but I would try. I failed a lot. I know I have more losses than victories, and I”m sure a lot of those losses came from me trying to duplicate or exceed expectations or trying when I didn’t feel comfortable doing so. I’m honestly miserable from it. I’m going to start making t-shirts that indicate where my energy level is as far as what you will get out of me so that people will know what to expect from me on any given day.

As far as not feeling as though I’m enough, I don’t know what to do about that. As much as I hate being tethered to a medication meal plan filled with a bunch of pills that will most certainly destroy the lining in my stomach, I’m willing to add one more if it will help me feel full on the inside. The scary part is, I know that a pill that can make me feel this way will most definitely have side effects. But you know what, I don’t care. The side effects can’t be worse than the constant pain never feeling adequate. That level of pain penetrates the bone marrow and gets in the brain. Once it’s in the brain, the chances of survival are slim.

I can’t make the pill, of course. If I knew how to manufacture something to make myself feel sufficient, I wouldn’t need the pill. I just need it to be a small pill that will help me not feel like I have to be everything and more at all times to prove my worth. I would take it while I heal myself from feeling this way and eventually wean myself off of it. I have to be honest; it’s hard to not entertain the idea of wanting to take your life when you’re my age having to face these sorts of issues. I would never kill myself. I’ve put too much pressure on myself to stay alive, just so I can avoid people saying I’m lazy for killing myself, which is my biggest deterrent to suicide. I had just enough in me today to write this blog. Tomorrow, I would wear an empty battery t-shirt if I had one. The sad part is, I still believe I would make myself pretend to have a full battery, in order to avoid being looked down on. It’s fucked up.

Nothing makes me feel worse than letting somebody down. I already don’t like myself 75% of the time for reasons that are probably out of my control. But I am working on ways to like myself more every day. However, it doesn’t help my campaign when I constantly feel like I don’t have it in me to do what’s needed in order to feel valued. It’s fucked up, man. Everyone is waiting for a vaccine for the coronavirus, while I’m wishing they made a pill to help see that I’m enough. I really need someone to make that pill. I was emotionally available today.

-EAT

 I write as a form of healing for myself and others. If you enjoyed what you read, “tip the writer” by donating to Venmo or zelle @maronziovance or Cashapp $Gift2MaronzioVance