I'm tired of pretending I believe when I really want to believe.

This pandemic has really given me a lot of time to think about some of the things I struggle with, such as my belief in God. It’s allowed me time to think about what I believe in or what my belief system is. I’m actually unclear about what I believe in. As of right now, I only believe in what I can prove. That’s hard for me to admit, being that I’m a black man who was born and raised in the south. In the south, you’re judged by how strong of a relationship you have with God. In fact, if they ever pass out “Welcome to the South” starter kits, I believe it would come with a Bible, some recipes, a love for being barefoot, and an unlimited supply of hallelujahs. 

Maybe if I were given the opportunity to discover God on my own in the past, I would believe in something different now. But that’s not what happened. I wasn’t given the choice of finding God on my own. My mother and father didn’t lay out a series of pamphlets on the table and say to me, “Take a look at these religions and pick the one you think you may want to follow.” The idea of God was sort of forced upon me. When I say forced, I don’t mean in an abusive way; I mean I just did what my family was doing. They handed down the religion the same way families pass down cultural and generational customs.  Everybody in the household believed in the same God and religion. We were taught that our belief in God is what holds the family together. Because I loved my mom and dad, I followed and was blindly programmed to believe in a higher power because it’s what my family was doing. We were a team, and I wanted to be a team player. 

However, when my mother and father separated, I lost my belief.  I didn’t feel connected to those beliefs anymore. My belief left when my family spilt up. Something inside of me didn’t see the purpose in believing in the God my parents told me would keep us safe and together if we loved and believed in that higher power unconditionally. If the higher power wasn’t going to hold up to its end of the bargain, why should I? 

It’s been a long time since I believed in God. I’ve done a good job of pretending that I have a relationship with God so I can fit in with society. Most importantly, so I can fit in with black people. I know firsthand if you are black and don’t believe in God, you will be looked at as if something is wrong with you. I’ve had black people refuse to associate with me due to my lack of faith. They disassociate themselves from me as if God will send them to hell for fraternizing with me. So, to avoid being alienated by my own people, I pretend. I could be an Atheist just so I can belong to a group, but I can’t completely dismiss the idea of God as strongly as they do. I’m open to the idea of there being a higher power.  

I already have issues with dating women, due to my lack of trust, and to tell a woman you don’t believe in God is only going to add to an already long list of issues. I can tell you from my own personal experiences, it’s extremely hard to date a woman if you don’t have a relationship with a God or a higher power. I also know from my own experiences that if she’s a black woman from the South, you can forget dating her if you don’t have a foundation built on the Lord. A black woman from the South would much rather you have a relationship with God than have a job. They assume if you have a relationship with God, you can pray to God for a job.  “What’s your relationship with God like?” is what I’m normally asked. I often pretended to believe in God to avoid being alone and just so I could be part of a team. So I would automatically reply by saying “It’s strong!”

My lack of faith in God or a higher power has also denied me access to my children at times. I’ve been told that I’m a bad father and nothing good will ever happen to me because I don’t believe in God. It’s not as if I don’t want to, but it’s hard to believe in a being that allowed my family to be separated. Why would I believe prayer works when I was praying for my family to stay together and it didn’t happen?  Sadly, I have to fake that I believe in God in order to have a relationship with my children. I have to pretend I have a relationship with God in order to get in a relationship. I have to be honest; it’s hard to be effective in a relationship when you’re pretending to believe in something that you’re unsure of and to act as though you’re giving 100% of your heart when you’re actually not. All that make-believe is exhausting. 

I’m tired of believing in the God that was handed down to me. I want to search for my own God. I want to seek out God or this higher power without any expectations and allow myself to discover God or a higher power in whatever way it’s revealed to me.     

It would be nice if I could find a reason to stop believing that I have to do everything on my own. I would love to have help from a higher power, but I only believe in what I can make happen for myself. This has been my way of thinking since I was six. It’s a survival method. I’ve had no choice but to believe in myself because I know I won’t hurt me or let me down. However, it’s exhausting doing it all alone. That’s why I’m on a path to find a higher power to believe in. I’m a virgin to the idea of loving God organically. I really haven’t had a relationship with God or a higher power on my own terms. My love with the God I was worshiping wasn’t consensual. I was in a relationship with a God that belonged to somebody else. The God I made myself believe is real was handed down to me. It was an arranged marriage to a belief.  

Maybe if I find my God, life will get easier. Maybe when I find a God to believe in, I will also believe I can find someone I can count on in a relationship. If I can count on someone in a relationship, then maybe we can make a family that will have a foundation built on our belief in the God that made it possible for us to find and love each other. 

I so desperately want to believe in a higher power. This search has been going on for a while. I’ve been beating myself up trying to remember what it felt like when I did believe, just so I can get an idea of what I should be looking for. But every time I backtrack, I relive the pain of what caused me to stop believing in the first place, and I stop searching.

-EAT

I write as a form of healing for myself and others. If you enjoyed what you read, “tip the writer” by donating to Venmo or zelle @maronziovance or Cashapp $Gift2MaronzioVance