I love you scares me sometimes.
Song playing in the background while I write:
“Shibuya” by Free Nationals
On today’s journey towards healing, I find myself writing about words that cause me a tremendous amount of anxiety. Words that eventually, when I’m able to use them correctly and without fear, will help me find balance in my life.
The thought of saying I love you to anyone gives me anxiety. I wish there were some sort of insurance I could purchase that would protect me when I tell someone that “I love you.”
The anxiety of telling someone I love them comes from a place of not knowing if what I’m saying is enough for the person I’m saying it to. Even though it’s sincerely coming from my heart, I agonize over whether or not what I’m saying will be accepted, taken out of context, or reciprocated.
I experience fear in regards to acceptance, and it stems from the possibility of the other person not recognizing that it has taken everything in my being to say what I’m feeling, only to have them dismiss my feelings, along with the labor it took me to find the courage to say those three words. It could also be that I’m afraid of the risk I’m taking by telling the person I love them before they’re ready and them refusing to accept what I said because they’re uncomfortable with how I’m expressing myself to them.
I struggle with wanting to tell people I love them for fear they might misinterpret what I’m saying. I’m afraid that if I tell someone who loves me that I love them back, they won’t realize I’m saying it from a place of endearment and not intimacy; or, if I were to tell a man who’s had an impact on my life that I love him, he might not be secure enough in his own masculinity to handle how I chose to show my admiration towards him.
Finally, the thought of someone not reciprocating my love is what terrifies me the most. To be frank, I would much rather fight an insecure man the size of Shaquille O’Neal, who couldn’t handle my expression of love, than to have someone tell me they don’t love me after I’ve built up the courage to tell them that “I love you.” I’ve been vulnerable so many times by telling someone that I love them and have not gotten that same love reciprocated, to the point where I may never say it again, unless the Creator itself confirms the other person’s sentiments.
This is exactly why I believe there should be insurance for when you want to use the phrase “I love you.” Hypothetically, if I owned this insurance company, this is how it would work: anytime you want to use the phrase “I love you,” before the use of the phrase, you would purchase an insurance plan from me that would protect you from damages that may occur to you or the person you’re using the phrase with.
I know some people might say, “Well Maronzio, if you’re protecting your heart from pain, then you’re not truly taking a chance at loving someone, which negates the entire ‘taking a leap of faith’ approach.” I agree, but telling people I love them and not getting that love in return has taken a toll on my being.
I also need this insurance to exist so I can receive the medical care I one day will need when my heart explodes, due to not letting out all the “I love yous” I hold in my heart. And the thought of that gives me anxiety, as well.
-EAT
I write as a form of healing for myself and others. If you enjoyed what you read, “tip the writer” by donating to Venmo or zelle @maronziovance or Cashapp $Gift2MaronzioVance